"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had,
and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."
Some women are born to have children, you know that they are and you can just tell. They have too much love to give and need more than just a husband to love, I am one of these women. I want to be a mother, I feel that this is what I have been put on this earth to do.
Since I was around 10 years old I have had my baby names picked out, I have dreamed about my ideal number of children (3 Girls and a boy) and the amazing adventures we will take together.
I have spent hours pinning nursery idea's and top traveling with children pins just because I knew that it would be needed. I have a whole board of children's clothing idea's because I want my girls to run around in tutu's all day and my son in super hero outfits.
That was until I attended my specialist doctors appointment the other day. I have always been worried about what would happen when I started planning for a family because of my kidney transplant, I knew that it would throw a few spanners in the works but I am a happy go lucky always the optimist type of woman so I walked into that office with a beaming smile waiting for her to give us the all clear to go ahead and start trying.
If only it was that simple........
....................I found out that I would have to swap my transplant medications and because of the antibodies I already had to deal with at the time of the transplant there is a higher than normal chance of my kidney failing.
....................There is a 50% chance I could develop gestational diabetes and a 50% chance I could develop preeclampsia.
....................The baby will certainly be a preme and will be lucky to make it to around 30 weeks.
....................There is a slight chance I could pass this disease onto my baby if Dylan is also a carrier for the genetic mutation.
After finding out that a family friend recently died after his kidney transplant failed (he was mid 30's, not over weight and led a completely healthy lifestyle) it scares me to think that maybe this isn't the right thing for me.
I know that I am not eligible for adoption because of my disease so the only other real option is surrogacy but the thought of asking another woman to go through all of that just for me seems a little bit unfair, whats more I have a burning desire to carry my own child which makes me incredibly jealous of the thought of another woman carry him or her.
So what do I do now???
We have another appointment set up for August and I guess I am just holding my breath and waiting to see what the doctors say after talking to each other more in depth about things.
All I know is that I need to be a mother.
Labels: Babies, doctors, Kidney Transplant, Motherhood